Nobody experiences it like this... these are models only... you will have some rapport with some of this...
1— Merging / Blending
Gay couples will experience the coming-ogether phenomenon ... we all know what this means... I can't bear the thought of you out of my sight let alone out of my touch. All new couples have this stage firmly in their mind when they meet up.
The honeymoon stage is anything from a week to a year or more. This limerance stage is characterised by highly sexualised behaviours, many hours spent holding hands, gazing into each other's eyes...
This stage is aslo know as the equalisation stage... where couples establish boundaries and rules (understandings) of the how and what and when of their relationship; the practicalities. Men have a difficult time here... they are the men: decision makes, bringers-home-of-the-bacon, leaders... giving up control means being weak.
Two men in the same house can bring on hellish moments.
2— Nesting
This second stage begins the complicated process of finding and establishing the common characteristics that bind the couple.
The problem here is that each so wants to be together but also so does not want to give up too much of self. The early. All too soon the realistic situation is seen and the limerance stage begins to wane.
Here the relationship is at risk of breaking apart as the two independant spirits resist being taken over... feelings of sadness, depression, jealousy and even distaste can arise as these forces exert influence on the partnership.
3— Firming / Maintaining
This and the previous stage merge and fluctuate as the couple find common ground that will enable then to live peacefully together.
As the individual needs are ment and the couple requirments are established you will find your own path to enjoying success together. Gay couples do not have any models to base their structure on... you are making it up as you go along.
Although you will probably find some traditions are common to heterosexual and homosexual couples, thety will be based on societal and family rituals.
Some couples/families will be ok with the gay couple at the table, others will not. This is a constant source of frustration.. as Eve Kovsky Sedgwick states in her book (Epistemology of the Closet) on ... well, the meanings of homosexual life: Homosexuals are always having to come out to heterosexuals and homosexuals... very few heterosexuals ever have to state that they are straight ... unless they are in a gay bar.
This time is when the differentiation principles will start to be applied... will the relationship withsatand the couple going off and doing things without their partner?
Disagreements come to mean more in this time. Conflicts arise that are reflections in each partner's family of origin issues.. how does the family resolve conflict will be how this couple manage differences.
One family never speaks their minds, the other always thrash it out. This now couple will have to learn those differences and thrash out rules if the differences are great.
The undifferentiated couple will not be able to tolerate these times and may break up... with the support of well thought through strategies this can be avoided.
4— Building on what's already there
Once time has allowed the couple to manage the differences, understand the varying family dynamics at play, resolved unresolvable issues by "living with it" thay will be firmly entrenched in the year 5 to 10 stage... building on strengths and working on the weaknesses.
By now the couple will be independently-connected... happy to be off doing their own thing and vice-versa, working together to establish already sought after goals and setting new goals for the future.
Individuals change in different ways and at different times and this is the tension this couple may encounter. If their ability to talk through things and be differentated then what ever the issue they will find a way through.
At the end of the day, cooke a meal together, eat it at the table (without the damnd TV o , light a candle to remind yourselves that this is the time to t - a - l - k.
5— Trust / Acceptance
After ten years or so this couple will have well established the ins and outs of many things that go to make up a partnership. There will not be the trust issues that existed (if any did) in the early stages and there will be a grateful acceptance of their partner's good and bad points.
One interesting issue that always has a place in the counselling room in early stages of relationships is the ownership of things and money.
An important point to raise is the independence of each partner. Putting aside separate moneys or things is a wise decision. Making sure the legal requirements are set up for each partner to be relaxed as these years go one.. illness and death can occur and where they have not looked into these matters there can be disputes with the families.
One thing that sometimes ruins this period is the taking for granted attitude. Make sure you are keeping the garden healthy by having plenty of time to be with yourself and with your partner.
Holidays are a great way to renew to renew love.
6— Fulfilment
What can go wrong now? The couple have lived together for many years and hopefully are extremely happy and fulfilled. If they are not this can be a very dry time for couples. Much resentment and disquiet.
Health issues and death of old friends can start to play their part in this partnership.
The meaning of life can be a subject for discussion (I would have hoped it was up for grabs all the the time) and depression, lowered self-esteem may emerge if the couple or an individual is unsatisfied with their lives/life.
For more help book and appointment: Go to www.choosingchange.com.au
